Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Truth

Last night I told Shaun the truth! It felt good. Every once in a while I've posted on here about Gage and how I've struggled with him, but last night I let it all out. I am posting it on here because this pretty much my journal for my family.

Don't judge me, don't think less of me, or better yet, don't even read it!

I feel like I don't have enough time and love for Gage. It is so easy to love Maisey. She can pretty much do most things on her own, she tells me that she loves me, she gives me kisses, and she is just so dang cute. She is such a mommy's girl and I love her. When Maisey was a baby, it was just me and her. I could hold her all day, play with her, feed her, and love her without anyone getting in the way. Now, with Gage, I have Maisey to take care of and I also babysit 2-3 kids, 4 days a week. So often times, Gage gets left on the back burner because I don't have enough hands, enough time, or enough patients to deal with him. I don't know how Mom's with so many kids do it. Why am I having such a hard time with just my 2?

So Gage, this is for you. Today I am recommitting myself to you as your mother. You are my main priority. No more putting you on the back burner. My goal is to be more patient with you and more kind towards you. To develop a lasting relationship with you that is full of love and understanding. No more projects while you are awake, no more making you sit there and scream. Lots more love, lots more kisses, and lots more time. That is my goal this holiday season and probably in to the new year. I love you buddy! I really do! Please be patient with me! I'm trying, and that's the best I can do right now!


Desiree said...

Oh, Emily, I can relate to this so much! Sometimes this is exactly how I feel with Aaron. In fact, I could probably post the same words, and it be exactly what I have wanted to say sometimes. It has gotten better with him, but we still have our days. Hang in there, being a Mommy is hard!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so honest with your feelings. I will share with you my experiences. With each baby I had, I got post pardom depression really bad. And at times, unwelcomed thoughts would appear in my head about the baby. I would just sit there and cry! Of course, I would NEVER EVER act upon those thoughts or feelings. And I was so upset with myself that they could even creep into my mind. It would take a good year after the baby was born for me to start to get back to somewhat normallcy. I never told anyone because of the shame that I felt as a mother. I pretty much felt like a failer. I too struggled to bond with one of my babies. I can tell you this, things have gotten alot better. Now that they are older and with much prayer and commitment, I now have a closeness with this child that wasn't there before. Each child is truly different and feelings for each child will be different too. It doesn't mean that you love them any less. It's just different. Does that make sense? Hang in there....things will get better. I can now say that I truly love this child with all of my heart and I don't know what I would have ever done without this child in my life. The Lord does provide us with those Tender Mercies if we seek out his guidance!

Toby and Tammy said...

Parenting is so hard! I sometimes struggle with just one! What am I going to do in less than 2 weeks when the new baby arrives!?!?!?

Thanks for being open and honest. Sometimes if feels like I am the only one who stuggles with parenting. Especially in the LDS community where it seems like every mom is perfect.

Good luck with your goals this holiday season and into the next year. I am sure you will do a fabulous job!