Friday, December 28, 2012

The December Roller Coaster

December is such a strange month for me. I love getting wrapped up in the Christmas season and celebrating our Savior's birth. I love the songs, the decorations, the stories, the excitement on my kids' faces. But I also miss my dad, and from about mid December on, I have a hard time doing things whole-heartedly. I still remember Dec. 19, 2007 like it was yesterday. My dad picked Maisey and I up from the airport and we went to have lunch with my mom at her school. When we got home I was showing him how Maisey had just learned to roll over. I was so proud to show him. But then just a few minutes later I remember having to take him to the hospital. I remember after my mom got there I left because I didn't want Maisey there. I didn't want to go home so I just went to my cousins house and cried. I also remember the miracle it was that he got to come home on Christmas day and spend his last day with his family. We were all home that year, what a blessing. The next day he was taken to the hospital by ambulance. My sister and I followed. We visited with him in the ER and then they were going to move him upstairs so my sister and I waited in the lobby while my other siblings were coming to visit. Once we were all there, our Stake President showed up, and my aunt. We all waited in the lobby until they were ready for us. Well, that never came. A code was called over the intercom and I knew it was him. I remember all gathering together in a room and members of the hospital's clergy team came to meet with us. I couldn't believe that was the end of it, the end of his life. This year it has been harder than usual. You would think after 5 years, it would get better, but it hasn't.

This year, was even harder. I had a childhood friend pass away on the 16th and I attended his funeral. It was the first funeral I've been to since my dad's. I sat next to a family friend who actually was the first non-family member that I had to tell about my dad. The flower arrangements were so similar to the ones that were at my dad's funeral, and the same song "How Great Thou Art" was sung and I couldn't hold back the tears.

Along with all of this, we have been having more issues with my brother. And Miley has just barely outgrown all of the clothes that my Dad had bought for Maisey. It was nice to dress her in something from him on a day when I needed him. It's helped me feel close to him again. And I've had a mental battle with myself all season about a picture frame. My dad bought a frame for Maisey with "Santa and Me" on it and he was going to dress up in his Santa suit and take a picture of him and her to put in it. Well, it never happened because of what went on during the week before his last Christmas. I've never put a picture in that frame. Every year I put in on my window sill in my kitchen and every year the original picture of some little blonde haired girl stays in it. This year, I decided to do something about it. This year I dragged the kids to the mall, had a picture taken with Satna, and put it in. I'm still not too sure what I think of it, but I took that step. I'm sure that's what my dad would have wanted me to do. 

It has just been a hard few weeks. I just need to keep singing to myself:

Oh Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed

When thru the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze

When Christ shall come, 
 With shouts of acclamation
And take me home
What joy shall fill my heart
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul
My Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art

I know my Heavenly Father is aware of my needs and my feelings. I know He sends little tender mercies to me to show me that He loves me and that He (and my Dad!) know what is happening in my life. During our game night with my mom, the movie The Sound of Music came on TV. That was my Dad's favorite movie and I know that was just a little something to help ease my troubled heart.

 Merry Christmas Dad! I can't believe it has been 5 whole years since I've seen you!

 The old frame
The new frame


Dana and ohana said...

I'm sure that is exactly what your dad would want that picture frame to look like!

Desiree said...

Oh Emily, I'm sitting here trying to hold back the tears! I can feel your heartache. That's a big step with the picture frame. I couldn't imagine, but yes I'm sure it is exactly what he would have wanted you to do. I always hope that when it's my time to go, and I have unfinished hopes and dreams that someone will take the time to finish them for me.

The Fast Family said...

Your Kiddos are so cute!!

Brandon and Angela Hoopes said...

What a hard thing to deal with anytime, let alone during Christmas time. Brandon has had some of these same feelings this Christmas about his Dad.

Jenny said...

I love you, Emily. I'm sending you a big hug.

that's what she said...

:( Big hugs!!