Hearing about this really makes my heart ache for this family and it also brings up a lot of memories from when my dad passed away. Shaun had some trainings to complete online for his new job last night, and Gage was having a rough night so after I finally got him to bed I headed down to my mom's for a bit. She just listened to me cry! No situation is ever the same, and I feel that when my family lost my dad, the whole world lost an awesome man. But I told my mom, at least us kids are all able to take care of ourselves. This poor widow has not one, not two, but SIX little girls that she needs to love, comfort, and support all while trying to wrap her mind around what just happened and try to grieve herself.
When my dad died, I felt that I needed to be strong for my mom, strong for my brother, and strong for my sisters. They all needed some sort of stability in their lives and they all turned to me for that! I don't feel that I ever properly grieved the death of my dad so when situations like this come up, I just break down.
Everyone said that the first year of his passing would be the worst, with all of the first milestones without him. Well, I truly feel that this second year has been harder on me. Probably because I've struggled a lot with Gage and my dad was always the person that I turned to to make everything ok. And it doesn't help that Gage was born the day after his birthday or that he looks so much like him. I'm glad he does, don't get me wrong, but every morning when I get him out of his crib, I am reminded that my dad does not get to mortally experience his grandson. I think of all of the things that they would have done together, and then tear up at the fact that now he will only be a bystander watching from up high!
It also saddens me that there will be a point in Maisey's life where she won't remember her papa anymore. It's crazy to think that 2 years ago from this month my dad and I took Maisey on her first road trip. I remember it like it was just yesterday. . . it's kind of hard to forget because it was a HUGE disaster (she was only 2 months old!). I try to talk to Maisey about her papa and show her pictures of the two of them together. She always tells me that he lives with Jesus in Heaven! How lucky he is to be there, and how lucky I am to have a daughter who knows that!
With Stake Conference this weekend, it will be another reminder of just how much I miss him. Sometimes I think if I just close my eyes for a long time, then open them again I will see him sitting up on the stand in church, serving the members of our stake so diligently. That was his passion, serving The Lord, and now he gets to do it in a different manner.
When I was re-doing our room last month, I was cleaning out our desk, and I found this poem that I read last year to my family on Christmas Eve,
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you hear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I am so grateful that I have a testimony of the plan of salvation. I have been praying for this young family that just lost everything that they know! I hope that the Lord can comfort them during this time, as he has comforted my family. This comfort doesn't take away that fact that I still miss my dad. It just helps to ease the pain in a devastating loss that will take a life time to comprehend. I know that God will be with every family that has experienced a death, until we are all again reunited. Looking forward to that day. . .